The COVID-19 pandemic put me in the same boat as so many members of my generation. Staying home for months on end with little exposure to the world around me, I was forced to cope with undiagnosed ADHD, something I had been self-medicating for my entire life. I’m gonna share a glimpse into some of the hard things I went through, but this isn’t a pity party, it’s a redemption story.
Why Didn’t I Get Tested as a Kid?
Growing up in the 90s, my teachers recommended that I get tested for ADHD as early as grade school. I regularly brought home report cards with comments like “Does not stay on task” or “Talkative in class”. This started a negative trend in my life that never took away my love of school, but deeply ingrained some self-doubt into my mind.
My dad took the comments to mean that I was “acting up” and in need of discipline. “Does not stay on task” would be a comment that I would hear from him until I graduated high school. I agreed with my mom and him that I shouldn’t be evaluated at the time. That’s because in the 90s, medication was the only support really being offered where I lived. I wasn’t a bad kid. I didn’t tear things up. I cried and made myself sick the one time I stole some things (that’s another story). My parents always asked my teachers, “did he finish his work?” to which the answer was always, “…well, yes…” so the thought at the time was, “Well, then he needs something to keep him entertained.” Teachers who pushed me to read, something I have always loved to do, met success for the most part with my behavior. I do have to say, God bless all those teachers who worked with me. There are too many to list here, but I think about you every day. For some teachers, I was a nuisance who needed to be put in his place. I remember one teacher asking me if I took my medication, whether I rode the “short bus”, and generally getting onto me if I so much as squirmed in my desk. One teacher in high school told me that I would never pass college since I forgot my backpack at home. She didn’t know I was almost in tears when I noticed on the bus ride to school.
I was always poorly organized and lost interest in my courses halfway through the semester so that my grades dropped and needed rescue at the last minute. It happened so regularly, that my mom named it, “pulling a rabbit out of a hat”. Thanks to my mom for keeping me motivated, or God knows where I’d be today.
One would think with all these signs that I would be diagnosed somewhere along the way. Instead, I convinced myself that I didn’t have it. See, one of my best friends growing up was diagnosed with ADHD and needed medicine to function. He became destructive without it and couldn’t stay focused throughout the day at school. Considering ADHD to be one single thing, I thought, well, I don’t do that, so I must not have it (it’s not, it’s a lot of things LOL). So began a long fight with some inner thoughts that have shaped me into who I am today.
Character Issues
When you really care about something and can’t make it happen, you start to really question your abilities. Doing my schoolwork, getting to places on time, and being a good listener are three things that only scratch the surface of what I wanted to be good at. When I couldn’t do those reliably, I started to have an internal struggle. I developed deep anxiety about how I couldn’t do such basic things, but was supposed to be this smart, capable kid (I grew up in a GT magnet program and read a lot, so people never stop telling you that. Another story, another time).
Steadily I started to develop an internal angst and some deep insecurities that still show up in my life to this day. I couldn’t reliably complete my projects due to a lack of organization and I had adopted the persona of the class clown to make light of the doubt that kept me constantly anxious. Pair that with a lot of other tough things going on at the time, and I became a bully. I was truly unkind to a lot of people and I regret every time I made someone feel inferior. I was projecting, and I am deeply sorry.
While it would have been nice chalking all that up to being a teenager, the problems didn’t diminish with age. I failed my first college class when I showed up late to Spanish II one too many times and my teacher told me in front of everyone that I wasn’t getting credit and to leave the room. I left my truck on campus by accident MULTIPLE TIMES and rode the bus home. After the first time, when I woke up from a nap, I thought someone had stolen it. Nope, I just forgot it and had to ride back up to the school to get it. And yeah, MULTIPLE TIMES. I was suspended from my job at Sam’s Club after being late too many times. My best friend and roommate at that time asked why that happened, as he had seen me sit on the edge of the couch in my full uniform waiting to leave until the last second. I didn’t know the answer.
Despite all that, my grades had outpaced the abysmal performance I had put on in high school. I graduated my undergrad with honors despite graduating high school in the low third quartile. If not for attendance deductions, I would have graduated college with a 4.0, but a 3.6 wasn’t horrible. See, I have what I call a tough forehead. What I mean by that is that I am driven (thanks to my family). If I set my mind on doing something, I will sink every atom of my being into it. College was a fresh start and I was hell-bent on making the most of it. I graduated and helped a school in San Antonio get out of “Improvement Required” status. I started a computer science department at another school and coached the robotics team to State with the wonderful Angela Crawford.
And then due to immense burnout (another story I plan to write) I left. To become a software engineer. I did that for two years at two different companies (huge thanks to Jared for helping me get my start) before two pandemic layoffs saw me burnt out again. Seeing a pattern?
During all these successes, I struggled every day. Tardiness, binge drinking (I didn’t drink often, but when I did I overdid it), binge eating, frustration with stimuli, etc. drove me to exhaustion constantly. I wasn’t who I wanted to be. I was someone failing at the things I considered most important. I was angry and had no idea what was wrong with me. The pandemic made it worse before it got better.
‘Rona Tings
When you get laid off during a pandemic, you can’t go out that night, have a cold one and blow off some steam with your buddies. Instead you hang out on Discord, and then sit in a room and plan your next steps while coasting for a few weeks on severance pay. The second layoff was different. I didn’t rush headlong into filling out job applications or prep for whiteboarding interviews. I made myself grieve, then I ask myself a question that changed everything: if you could make up a job, that you would do despite money, what would it be?
I charted my strengths and weaknesses. I reflected on how much I missed the classroom and how much I hated the red tape that came with it. I wanted to teach, but on my own terms. I researched for three days before figuring out what an “instructional designer” was. It was the perfect fit! Technology, multimedia, cognition, it had all the makings of the things I love about the world. I made this video using my phone that day:
I applied out, got a few interviews, and…nothing. Recruiters saw a teacher who could code. I needed to be a teacher who could teach others to code.
Realizing that my income runway was running out, I needed to figure out something different while I honed my skills and my resume. I went to work at local school who needed a computer science teacher during the pandemic. The whole time I used my classroom as a testing ground for figuring out how capable I could be at designing computer science curriculum.
I still struggled.
Late to work, late to church, binge eating, binge drinking, constant anxiety, I just rode the wave and saw success, but felt every failure so deeply. 30 years of this made me feel it was impossible I would ever overcome my self-sabotage.
The semester ended, I started a grad program at FSU, and I started the job I have now which I absolutely love. Still, the pandemic had taken away a lot of the activities I liked to do and I was living a pretty sedentary lifestyle, so my restlessness was off the charts.
Then everything broke.
In August 2021 my wife brought me to the hospital with what the doctors feared was a stroke. I came in from a run and couldn’t feel my hands or form a sentence. I went through the whole protocol, was kept overnight, and was given the best news I could have gotten:
No TIA. No damage. Cholesterol needs to come down, but this was most likely a stress-induced event.
Redemption and the Path Forward
Once I had rested and thanked God (and my wife for her quick thinking to get me to the hospital), I went to visit my friends who were staying in Seattle. My wife encouraged me to just get away for a little while and de-stress. We scheduled me some time with a therapist, and I started unpacking what had me so stressed. My therapist and primary care physician helped me identify the behaviors that were driving me mad. I had a lack of self-control that irked me because it made me bad at all the things I wanted to be good at.
We made a plan to treat my anxiety first and then tackle the ADHD concerns. My anxiety measured off the charts, so we treated that first so that I could cope with all the change that would be coming my way.
This past winter I started the process of being evaluated for ADHD. The initial interview consisted of lots of questions about my behavior and thought patterns. The doctor interviewing let me know that she had medium to high suspicion that I had ADHD but needed to take computer testing to be sure.
I took the computer test a little while later. They made me sit in a chair with a weird silver medallion strapped to my head that a camera watches to track how much you fidget during the test. I had a clicker and was instructed to press it when I saw successive identical shapes on the screen. They showed me a chart of my performance compared to my peers.
The outcome was “Yes, you definitely have ADHD”.
I laughed, and sighed a sigh of relief. Not because I was unaware I had it. I knew it in my bones. Rather, I could start the process of forgiving myself while seeking help to ensure I see future success.
That’s where I am now. I love my job and am doing pretty damn well at it. I have a 4.0 in master’s program. Drinking isn’t an issue, and I’m working on getting more active and eating better.
I love me and I’m finding healing from things that have bothered me my whole life. I hope I inspire people in similar situations to do the same. Reach out if you want to talk about it! It feels good to communicate this. I’m going to keep being me 100% of the time. If you’re like that one high school teacher (I don’t remember her name) and if that’s not good enough, well, in the words of the great Elyse Myers:
“If I’m too much, go find less.”
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